NEW HAVEN, CT—In an effort to court non-firearm-owning Americans who have been unable to experience the feeling of riddling objects with lead projectiles, arms manufacturer Winchester released Wednesday a new 4.50-caliber bullet with which even non-gun owners can pelt their target. “We’re excited to offer all Americans the freedoms that, until now, were enjoyed solely by gun owners, as our new line of chuckable four-and-a-half-inch-wide cartridges has been designed to load seamlessly into your pocket, held in the palm of your hand, and thrown at anything or anyone you wish to attack,” said Winchester vice president of ammunition Lyle Baxter, who noted that the new bullet is specially engineered for short-range flinging and is ideal for anyone who is, for whatever reason, barred from owning one of Winchester’s signature rifles but still wants to give someone a nasty little welt, bruise, or concussion. “This super-sleek steel round can be used by kids, adults, families seeking protection, and just about anyone who wants to beam someone from a few feet away with an object only a little larger than—but just as American as—a baseball. Sadly, it’s not fired from an AR-15, but thanks to its state-of-the-art hard cast and simple yet brutal shape, it’s guaranteed to do some serious damage to whatever and whoever you hurl it at.” At press time, a bill was introduced to outlaw the sale of 4.50-caliber bullets, which have been used in several mass peltings.
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