Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

This November, Sen. Ron Johnson will face reelection in the state of Wisconsin. The Onion asked Wisconsinites why they are voting for the two-term Republican, and this is what they said.

Advertisement

Craig Mann (Truck Driver)

Craig Mann (Truck Driver)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“The other candidate has a radical amount of melanin.”

Advertisement

Thomas Peterson (Waiter)

Thomas Peterson (Waiter)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“Voting stresses me out a lot, and he seems like the candidate most likely to make sure I never have to do it again.”

Advertisement

Mirghani Mohamed (Dental Hygienist)

Mirghani Mohamed (Dental Hygienist)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“I’m incredibly impressionable. Once I saw a sign that said ‘Johnson for Senate’ I was immediately convinced.”

Advertisement

Cal Reynolds (Cheesemonger)

Cal Reynolds (Cheesemonger)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“Ron Johnson looks like the kind of guy who’s not afraid to roll up his sleeves and eat wheel after wheel of cheese. Like, an insane amount of cheese.”

Advertisement

Allison Hunter (Communications Manager)

Allison Hunter (Communications Manager)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“His opponent comes off looking pretty bad in every Ron Johnson ad I’ve seen.”

Advertisement

Ron Johnson (Senator)

Ron Johnson (Senator)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“Alas! He is me. I cannot vote against that which I am.”

Advertisement

Ralph Orleans (Docent)

Ralph Orleans (Docent)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“He looks like a Pez dispenser, and I like that.”

Advertisement

Jake Carter (Student)

Jake Carter (Student)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“As someone currently plotting a shooting, Johnson’s anti-gun-control platform aligns best with my values.”

Advertisement

Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay Packers Quarterback)

Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay Packers Quarterback)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“I’ve suffered enough brain damage to think it’s a good idea.”

Advertisement

Laura Hubbard (Social Worker)

Laura Hubbard (Social Worker)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“He hates all the people I hate.”

Advertisement

Sean Hogan (Ski Instructor)

Sean Hogan (Ski Instructor)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“I didn’t realize I had a choice.”

Advertisement

Drew Morris (Pilot)

Drew Morris (Pilot)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“He’s 67, so in Senate terms he’s a fresh-faced underdog.”

Advertisement

Yaseen Khan (Statistician)

Yaseen Khan (Statistician)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“I’m trying to be more spontaneous and do things outside my comfort zone.”

Advertisement

Liam Janoski (Dog Walker)

Liam Janoski (Dog Walker)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“I hate Wisconsin and want the worst for it.”

Advertisement

Jared Smith (Bailiff)

Jared Smith (Bailiff)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“I’m glad there’s a candidate who also believes I don’t deserve healthcare.”

Advertisement

Janice Thompson (Stay-at-Home Mom)

Janice Thompson (Stay-at-Home Mom)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“He hates my gay son even more than I do.”

Advertisement

Mike Francis (Physical Therapist)

Mike Francis (Physical Therapist)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“He looks like the kind of guy you could throw a beer at.”

Advertisement

Ammar Siddiqui (Nurse)

Ammar Siddiqui (Nurse)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“I base my vote on a mix of online misinformation and hateful impulses, never bothering to fact-check my most deeply held beliefs.”

Advertisement

Bruce Maczuzak (Mill Worker)

Bruce Maczuzak (Mill Worker)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“He’s focused on what normal, everyday Wisconsin residents care about: anti-China rhetoric and Hunter Biden’s laptop.”

Advertisement

Daniel Baum (Bus Driver)

Daniel Baum (Bus Driver)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“We need someone who’s tough on crime that didn’t occur at the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021.”

Advertisement

Phillip Jones (Dairy Farmer)

Phillip Jones (Dairy Farmer)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“He said his opponent will make my cow produce curdled milk, and who am I to think that through?”

Advertisement

Deidre Randall (Personal Care Aide)

Deidre Randall (Personal Care Aide)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“As an absolutely batshit nuts bigot, his policies really speak to me.”

Advertisement

Alison Peck (CEO)

Alison Peck (CEO)

Image for article titled Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“It’s simple. I’m very rich.”

Advertisement