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Wistful Woman Doesn’t Want Kids But Still Wants To Name People

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ARLINGTON, VA—Struggling with what she called an “impossible decision,” local 32-year-old Olivia Montero told reporters Tuesday she didn’t want kids, but still wanted to name people. “Even though I’ve never been able to picture myself as a mother, there’s still some biological urge deep inside of me that wants to bestow upon someone the moniker Joshua,” said Montero, who stated that while she had zero interest in raising or nurturing a child, she just could not escape the feeling that her life would not be complete until she had chosen other people’s names for them. “Every time one of my friends announces they’ve named a new person Sophia, I can’t help thinking: Is that something I want? Is that something that would fulfill me? To name a human being Sophia? And what happens one day when I get old? I don’t want to spend my final years wasting away in some nursing home, regretting how I never named a bunch of people Kylie and Nash and Harrison.” At press time, Montero assured herself that whatever happened, she would still get to name her nieces and nephews.