DULUTH, MN—Noting that he expects he'll need all the nutrition he can get once the end of days arrives, Minnesota resident and utterly misled man Kyle Burton told reporters Wednesday that he is preparing for Armageddon by stocking his fridge to the very brim with gallons upon gallons of milk. “After things really start falling apart, I’m sure calcium and protein will be very important—so I just figured, better pack this place wall to wall with as much milk as I can find,” said the extremely confused man, adding that his vast store of milk will likely make him a veritable king in the post-apocalyptic wasteland. “Plus, I’ve got all of these fresh fruits and vegetables—so I’m pretty much set. Hell, with the amount I bought, I'll be happily eating apples and drinking milk for years.” At press time, the grievously misguided man was purchasing bags of ice to keep his milk cold throughout the apocalypse.
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