COLUMBUS, GA—Revealing that the trembling of the chandelier invariably tipped her off, local woman Kacey Ellis told reporters Thursday that she could always tell her period was coming by the way doors slammed shut and lights flickered. “It’s weird, it’s just this kind of intuitive sense I get a few days before it starts where all the framed glass photos of my friends and family fall and shatter on the ground,” said Ellis, who acknowledged that while the symptoms were inconvenient and “sometimes painful,” like when she awoke with strange oozing wounds on her limbs in the middle of the night or she found the ordinary bowl of cereal she had been eating from a moment ago was suddenly full of broken glass, they were ultimately a helpful way of tracking her menstrual cycle. “It’s every month, just like clockwork. Ibuprofen usually helps with the disembodied voices screaming in my mirror, but I can still hear them croaking ‘sinner.’ At least it’s better than being pregnant.” At press time, Ellis added that her doctor had assured her these were all just normal symptoms of PMDD.
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