KNOXVILLE, TN—Admitting they were at a total loss to understand or explain the bizarre behavior, acquaintances of local woman Katie Hamblin told reporters Friday that the 27-year-old seems to derive some sort of sick, twisted pleasure from her healthy new diet and lifestyle. “When Katie told me she’d started eating more vegetables and whole grains, avoiding sugar, and exercising for at least 30 minutes each day, there wasn’t any unhappiness or irritation or anything in her voice—she was actually excited to tell me about it,” said friend Patricia Doyle, explaining that Hamblin must wring some kind of perverse satisfaction out of the tedious, time-consuming routine of engaging in sustained physical activity and crafting and consuming balanced meals. “Frankly, I can’t believe she goes around openly talking about how much she enjoys snacking on fresh fruits or how far she ran the previous day. It’s messed up. And the way she so casually mentioned that she’s thinking of taking a cycling class? Disgusting.” Doyle went on to note that despite Hamblin’s repeated invitations to go hiking, there was no way she was getting pulled into her friend’s grotesque sense of joy and fulfillment.

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