CHICAGO—Laughing off another encounter, this time while riding the bus, local woman Lillian Bedford confirmed Wednesday that she just has one of those faces strangers feel comfortable masturbating to. “Waiting for a train, in line at the supermarket—people always come right up to me and start playing with themselves,” said Bedford, adding that she suspects it’s her disarming smile that puts strangers at ease enough to approach her in public and begin aggressively massaging their genitals. “It happens everywhere. Even if I’m standing with a group of friends, they march right up to me specifically and tell me they’re going to cover me in dick nectar. I think it has something to do with energy, like maybe my aura is giving off vibes that are especially welcoming to loads of cum. A lot of people tell me I look familiar, too, like they’ve jerked off to me somewhere before. One guy even said it was because I reminded him of his mother. I don’t mind, though. It’s not like I’m so busy that I can’t stop for a couple minutes and let them climax.” At press time, Bedford wondered aloud if her magnetic personality had anything to do with the fact that she was constantly masturbating in public.