SKOKIE, IL—Wistfully imagining a future she hopes is not too far away, area woman Margaret Bridgemeyer told reporters Tuesday she yearns for the day when the first female president of the United States will have a tell-all book written about her that contains explicit descriptions of her repulsive vagina. “I have to believe in my heart that one day, there will be a woman in the Oval Office and that someone will publish a salacious account of how she has a nasty, thick bush or a really droopy labia,” said Bridgemeyer, adding that she wishes when she was young, she could have looked up to a woman who not only served her nation as commander in chief, but also had bombshell secrets about her genitals revealed to an American public eager to read about and discuss the subject. “I mean, just imagine if there were a woman in the most powerful position in the world—making key policy decisions, calling all the shots—and we were able to learn all the horrible details about her abnormally shaped clitoris, or maybe the weird consistency of her vaginal discharge. I know it may not happen in my lifetime, but just thinking about how my children or grandchildren might get to live in a country like that brings a tear to my eye.” Bridgemeyer went on to state that perhaps one day, there will even be a female president whose frequent extramarital affairs are common knowledge among her Evangelical Christian base.
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