YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Treading carefully to avoid any hurt feelings, local woman Erin Lippert reportedly took a moment Wednesday to mentally scan everything she knew about her friend before launching into a rant against healing crystals. “I was planning to tell Nina about this dumbass amethyst necklace my sister-in-law bought that she claims will protect her mind from negative energy, but then I thought, ‘Wait, what if Nina believes in that shit too?’” said Lippert, adding that she then scoured her memory for any detail about her friend that might suggest the woman subscribed to the pseudoscientific notion that quartz and other crystals could be used to harness mysterious spiritual forces and heal the sick. “I do remember one time she said she was more spiritual than religious, which is a huge red flag, of course. But her house isn’t decorated with any framed quotes from new age gurus or anything like that. While she does own a salt lamp, she also told me that it was a gift and she likes its ambiance, so she may not actually think it absorbs toxins from the air or whatever. Hmm. Maybe I’ll just mention in passing that I’m a Sagittarius and see if she says anything wacky.” At press time, sources confirmed Lippert was nodding with a tight-lipped smile as her friend shared how a recent chiropractic visit had cured her psoriasis.
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