YONKERS, NY—Panicking after realizing she had absolutely nothing for their weekly session, local woman Janine Welch was reported to have quickly smashed a plate over her head Tuesday so she’d have something to talk about at therapy. “Shit, shit, I forgot that was today—how is there nothing going on in my social life, romantic life, or work life to unpack?” said Welch, who after spotting a pile of dirty dishes nearby, shrugged, picked up a ceramic plate, and smashed it against her skull until it shattered into several large pieces and fell to the floor. “Ow, yep, that’ll work. It’s certainly irrational of me, and it goes against every single coping mechanism she’s told me to try. I’m paying $75 a session, and it’s too late to cancel, so I’d better get something out of this, right?” At press time, sources confirmed Welch was laughing sheepishly after her therapist explained that it was totally natural and showed her the shards of a broken plate she had smashed over her own head earlier that day.
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