TUSCALOOSA, AL—Longing for the day their bickering at last grew into something more, local woman Nadia Samuelson told reporters Tuesday that she was still holding onto hope that her toxic friendship with area man Michael Nussbaum could blossom into a toxic relationship. “Even though nothing’s happened yet, I know there’s still a chance he and I will one day go from being mutually destructive friends to romantic partners who will completely undermine each other’s well-being,” said Samuelson, adding that she was confident Nussbaum also felt, deep down, the same desire to take their twisted codependence to the next level. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve really loved being this unhealthy platonic presence in his life, but at a certain point that’s not enough. You want the psychological damage you inflict to be special.” Samuelson went on to say that she could even see herself settling down with Nussbaum and starting a deeply dysfunctional family with kids she’d resent more than anything in the world.

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