WALTHAM, MA—Reminiscing wistfully about her departed spouse, local woman Helen Calkins reportedly wished Monday that her husband was still alive to help her bury his body in their garden. “Oh, Frank always loved getting his hands dirty in the backyard, so it would have been a real pleasure for him to dig a shallow grave to dispose of his corpse,” said Calkins, confirming that her longtime partner’s expertise with yard tools would have made him particularly well-suited to using a chainsaw to hack his cadaver into tiny pieces. “I have to admit, I’m pooped from just dragging his body into the tool shed, but if Frankie were here, he would have already been off in his jeep to throw his severed head and hands into the ocean by now—he was always the outdoorsy one in the relationship.” At press time, Calkins was reportedly smiling to herself thinking that her husband wouldn’t have had the first idea about how to adequately clean up the blood and viscera on the living room carpet.
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