World Cup Players To Watch

Onion Sports previews the 10 most captivating players to watch heading into the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.

Cristiano Ronaldo
Strength: Hair gel slathered all over body allows him to easily slip away from defenders

Weakness: Shy in front of cameras

Position: Midfield Hunk

Biggest Fan: Mirrors

Favorite Player From Childhood: Cristiano Ronaldo

Schedule: Majority of day taken up by personally responding to each and every wall post from his 50 million-plus Facebook followers

Plans For Future: Continue being millionaire-athlete-playboy

Signature Moves: Step-over, double step-over, triple step-over, quadruple step-over

Lionel Messi
Strength: Has enough money to order pretty much whatever he wants when out at a restaurant

Weaknesses: Looks especially tiny on soccer’s biggest stage; Low center of gravity would be useless in weightless environment of space

Number Of Commercials Filmed For Pepsi: Enough

Awards: All of them

Trademark Goal Celebration: Staring blankly at teammates while standing quietly

Favorite Part Of World Cup: Incredible feeling of pride playing for country he hasn’t lived in since he was 12

Neymar
Strengths: Is Brazilian but doesn’t have to live there; Dives after every loose ball

Weakness: Can’t juggle ball more than two or three times

Age: Younger than you

Family: Son of two world-class soccer balls

Working On: Kicking with both feet at same time

Biggest Secret: Actually thinks Brazilian protesters make some very good points

Time He’ll Spend In Brazil After World Cup Is Over: 17 Minutes

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Mario Balotelli
Strengths: Despite being just 23, already has wealth of experience being subjected to racist taunts during big matches; Always gives full 30 percent on training ground

Weakness: Constantly ridiculed for being black, when it’s his terrible haircut that deserves the abuse

The Type Of Person Who Sets Own Home Ablaze After Lighting Fireworks Indoors: Yes

Playing Style: Temperamental

Gives A Shit About Playing Soccer: Sometimes

Chance Of Ever Realizing Full Potential: Pretty much zilch

Clint Dempsey
Strengths: Has veteran poise that young U.S. squad needs to remain composed in face of crushing defeat; Equally adept with both left and right elbows

Weakness: Captain of the U.S. men’s soccer team

Best Attribute: Special knack for scoring late consolation goals

Greatest Accomplishment: Convinced Jurgen Klinsmann he is actually 20-year-old German player

Efforts: Futile

Future Plans: Watch World Cup knockout rounds from comfort of home in Seattle

Luis Suarez
Strengths: Knows racial slurs in nine languages; Sharp molars in lower jaw; Obliviousness to social norms and basic human decency allows him to really focus on playing soccer

Weakness: Has trouble adapting game to civilized society

Nicknames: Asshole, Prick, Piece Of Shit, Cheating Fuck, Racist Fuck, Cheating Racist Fuck

Claim To Fame: Will really go the extra mile to be a dick

Pet Peeve: Other people

Biggest Secret: Feels absolutely nothing while listening to Uruguay’s national anthem before kickoff

Role Models: Lance Armstrong, Alex Rodriguez

Punishment For Racially Abusing, Biting Other Players: Millions of dollars in sponsorships, starting spot on Liverpool FC and Uruguayan national team

Any Remorse For Way He Conducts Himself As A High-Profile Professional Athlete: Nope

Fun Fact: Fuck him

Robin Van Persie
Strength: Always swaps shirt, shorts, socks with opponent after match in show of sportsmanship

Weaknesses: Joints; bones; tendons

Team: Played for Holland in 2010 World Cup, but now plays for the Netherlands

Style Of Play: Limping

Biggest Fear: Ball coming alive and eating his foot

Special Talent: Could probably kill you if he kicked ball at your head as hard as he could

Signature Move: Thumbs up while being carted off field on stretcher

Favorite Sports Network: Onion Sports Network

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Andres Iniesta
Strength: Fantastic field vision allows him to see plays developing years in advance

Weaknesses: Quick first step always followed by four to five slow ones; Hasn’t won World Cup in four years

Claim To Fame: Chosen by FIFA to score winning goal in the 2010 World Cup Final against the Netherlands

Frightening Reality: Team probably good enough to win World Cup without him

Schedule: Spends 80 percent of time lifting trophies while confetti rains down around him

Value: Approximately 12.4 Landon Donovans

Wayne Rooney
Strength: Not defined by selfish desire to score goals that consumes so many other World Cup strikers

Weakness: Every third word uttered is “brilliant”

Favorite Place To Carry Entire Country’s World Cup Dreams: Shoulders

Years Until He Can Retire From National Team And Not Deal With This Shit Anymore: Three

Club Teams: Everton (2002-2004), Manchester United (2004-2017), LA Galaxy (2017-2020)

Weight Of Expectations: 238,467 lbs.

Favorite Position: Behind main striker so fans can’t throw shit at him

Tim Howard
Strengths: Past World Cup experience has prepared him for what’s about to happen; Large hands allow him to more easily grab ball out of back of net

Weaknesses: Only capable of being one of 11 U.S. players on field; Afraid to leave 18-yard box even after match is over

Yells At Defenders After They Allow A Shot On Goal: A lot

Age: Old

Club Team: English team, but not Manchester United or Arsenal

Signature Move: Grabbing ball out of air, pulling it into chest, holding it there for a bit, punting it

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