World Health Organization Releases Top 10 Most Fucked Up Causes Of Death

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GENEVA—Analyzing large quantities of mortality data from more than 100 countries, the World Health Organization on Friday released its annual list of the top 10 most fucked-up causes of death. “Shit, like being forced into a wood chipper or getting swallowed by a huge fucking snake feet-first so all you can do is watch yourself being gradually digested remain among the most crazy-ass causes of death globally,” WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom said of the list, which for the first time also included having one’s head “sliced clean off like some samurai fucking decapitated it” as a result of standing on a truck bed while the vehicle passed under a low bridge. “We also determined that falling face-first into an open septic tank and drowning in shit was about as messed up as having grenades in your hands and mouth all go off at once, though neither was quite as twisted as being on a plane and getting squeezed out like toothpaste after one of the windows breaks.” Adhanom went on to say, however, that the single most gnarly way to die is when you’re on a ladder cleaning your gutters and lose balance, at which point you fall, getting your leg caught in an electrical cord, which keeps you from hitting the ground but swings you face-first into the side of the house, which you bounce against repeatedly for nine hours, all the while calling out for help until you finally die.