SAN JOSE, CA—Cheering with open arms and smiling faces tilted upward, the world reportedly rejoiced Friday as a new batch of billionaires descended from the sky. “Joyous day! A new batch of elite billionaires comes from on high to bless us with their presence!” said local woman Patty Boyle, speaking on behalf of the global population, whose members rose from their seats to welcome the new crop of astoundingly rich humans as they floated down to earth on a golden beam of light and a choir of trumpets echoed from Dubai to Aspen. “O, shepherd us, ye disrupters, ye innovators, and thou who art generationally blessed. Tell us tales of the hard work that got you where you are today. Please lay the blood of thy hands upon us, and lead us gallantly into a new age of profits and output. Come now, peasants, gas the private jets and ready the Nobu—they have arrived!” At press time, sources confirmed members of the upper middle class had burned the unrighteous poor in a grand pillar of fire as a welcome offering to their new masters.
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