THE PACIFIC OCEAN—Pausing to briefly reflect on their immense good fortune between long sessions of nude sunbathing and plucking perfectly ripe tropical fruit from the rare vegetation surrounding them, the world’s cartographers reportedly continued living their secret lives of luxury this week on the idyllic, never-disclosed eighth continent they call home. “Ah, yes—this is the life,” said topographical researcher Garrett Farthing, chuckling to himself as he delicately put the finishing touches on yet another map showing their current location to be an empty stretch of the Pacific Ocean while being fed grapes by a trained monkey from an ultra-docile species found only on their lush, temperate, 3.5-million-square-mile landmass. “Those suckers who don’t understand map-making are really missing out—although it’s entirely possible that their feeble brains couldn’t even begin to comprehend such beauty. We live here free of war and violence, free of all society’s ills, making rapturous love to whoever we please and sleeping beneath the stars on the warm sand. No non-cartographer should ever sully this place with their uncultured presence.” At press time, the cartographers had spotted and swiftly spear-hunted the crew of an errant cargo ship that had run aground on their shores.