PACIFIC OCEAN—Following the theme park’s pledge to phase out exhibits featuring the whale species and discontinue breeding them in captivity altogether, the world’s marine life told sources Thursday they were completely on edge now that SeaWorld is moving on from orcas. “At first, I was happy to hear the news about the orcas, but then it dawned on me that SeaWorld would probably try to find a replacement and I just started to freak out,” said an anxious and visibly trembling black marlin, who explained how a feeling of tense unease had spread among the manatees, sharks, octopuses, and other larger species of the ocean ecosystem that any one of them might be rounded up at any moment, transported to a small, featureless tank, and forced to perform a choreographed series of tricks up to a dozen times a day for crowds of onlookers. “The other whales are worried sick, obviously, and the porpoises are trying to stay below the surface as long as possible so as not to be seen. And I’ve never seen the harp seals this unhinged; they know how cute they are, so they’re absolutely convinced they’re next. God, this is terrifying. No one feels safe down here right now.” Sources later confirmed that the planet’s entire population of narwhals, fearing the worst, had already committed mass suicide by choking themselves on trash.
We may earn a commission from links on this page.
This Week's Most Viral News: June 2, 2023