Worst Mistakes Men Make On Valentine’s Day

It will always let you down. Always…always. Always.

What are you thinking, men?!?!

That’s right. All you scumbags—Bugs Moran, Weinshank, Schwimmer—filching out of Capone’s pockets with those whiskey runs. You know you don’t cross ol’ Snorky. Not in this town. Run as far as you want, you lying finks. No one gets far from Public Enemy No. 1 without a bullet in the back of his fucking skull.

Your wife is a 34-year-old woman. She doesn’t want a pink stuffed bear. She wants a purple frog.

It can be difficult to control this impulse, but it’s ultimately worth it if the object is to get laid.

Any ethical girlfriend will just feel let down that her partner got something as tacky as a stolen painting from one of the masters of the Dutch Baroque period.

It’s Valentine’s Mistakes 101, which just makes it all the more embarrassing how common this still is.

Many men assume they’ll be able to find a last-minute place to make love in their own bed, but in reality, these spots have been booked months in advance.

The clitoris will become confused and unsure of itself if it becomes the center of the limelight.

Maybe save some milk for the woman in case she’d also like to vomit?

This was always a package deal, and they knew that going in.

And to think, you were just going to spring for another diamond tennis bracelet.

No amount of points is worth missing out on a special night with the one you love.

Cum Day is in October.

Now your appetite and “big surprise for after” are both ruined.

Women can smell a false pretense that will result in a historic and expensive international boondoggle from a mile away.

Treat the special lady in your life by telling her she can cook you something easy, like pasta.

However obvious your lies are, it’s better to skirt the issue of you being underage entirely.

You had all year to buy her a Snickers bar and a pack of gum, but now you’re going to have to go three blocks out of the way to make it happen before dinner.

Not romantic. Jesus, don’t you know anything?

They had 364 other days to get this highly painful and medically questionable procedure. Why today?

One of the worst things a man can do on Valentine’s Day is be below the legal age of consent.

Even though he’ll try to make it seem romantic, you know deep down that destabilizing the nation’s infrastructure is less of a “you” thing and more of a “him” thing.

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