Worst Mistakes Men Make On Valentine’s Day

Worst Mistakes Men Make On Valentine’s Day

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Let’s face it. No matter how hard they try, men constantly fuck up. The Onion looks at the worst mistakes men make on Valentine’s Day.

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Believing In Love

Believing In Love

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It will always let you down. Always…always. Always.

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Scattering A Trail Of Rose Petals Leading Directly Into An Industrial Thresher

Scattering A Trail Of Rose Petals Leading Directly Into An Industrial Thresher

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What are you thinking, men?!?!

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Crossing Al Capone

Crossing Al Capone

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That’s right. All you scumbags—Bugs Moran, Weinshank, Schwimmer—filching out of Capone’s pockets with those whiskey runs. You know you don’t cross ol’ Snorky. Not in this town. Run as far as you want, you lying finks. No one gets far from Public Enemy No. 1 without a bullet in the back of his fucking skull.

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Buying Childish Gifts

Buying Childish Gifts

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Your wife is a 34-year-old woman. She doesn’t want a pink stuffed bear. She wants a purple frog.

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Yelling ‘Gross’ When They See Their Own Penis

Yelling ‘Gross’ When They See Their Own Penis

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It can be difficult to control this impulse, but it’s ultimately worth it if the object is to get laid.

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Rushing Into A Gas Station In A Panic, Rotating The Gift Rack, And Just Grabbing The First Nazi-Looted Vermeer Painting They See

Rushing Into A Gas Station In A Panic, Rotating The Gift Rack, And Just Grabbing The First Nazi-Looted Vermeer Painting They See

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Any ethical girlfriend will just feel let down that her partner got something as tacky as a stolen painting from one of the masters of the Dutch Baroque period.

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Sealing Themselves In A Locked Cage Rapidly Filling With Seawater

Sealing Themselves In A Locked Cage Rapidly Filling With Seawater

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It’s Valentine’s Mistakes 101, which just makes it all the more embarrassing how common this still is.

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Not Making Reservations At A Bed

Not Making Reservations At A Bed

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Many men assume they’ll be able to find a last-minute place to make love in their own bed, but in reality, these spots have been booked months in advance.

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Paying Too Much Attention To The Clitoris

Paying Too Much Attention To The Clitoris

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The clitoris will become confused and unsure of itself if it becomes the center of the limelight.

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Drinking An Entire Gallon Of Milk And Throwing Up

Drinking An Entire Gallon Of Milk And Throwing Up

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Maybe save some milk for the woman in case she’d also like to vomit?

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Not Saying ‘I Love You’ To Their Partner’s Extra Face

Not Saying ‘I Love You’ To Their Partner’s Extra Face

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This was always a package deal, and they knew that going in.

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Not Buying His Sweetie A Piece Of Fine ‘Onion’ Merchandise

Not Buying His Sweetie A Piece Of Fine ‘Onion’ Merchandise

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And to think, you were just going to spring for another diamond tennis bracelet.

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Getting Their Penis Stuck In The 100-Point Hole Of A Skee-Ball Machine

Getting Their Penis Stuck In The 100-Point Hole Of A Skee-Ball Machine

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No amount of points is worth missing out on a special night with the one you love.

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Calling It ‘Cum Day’

Calling It ‘Cum Day’

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Cum Day is in October.

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Eating Edible Underpants Before Dinner

Eating Edible Underpants Before Dinner

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Now your appetite and “big surprise for after” are both ruined.

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Using The Gulf Of Tonkin Incident As Justification To Directly Engage In The Vietnam War

Using The Gulf Of Tonkin Incident As Justification To Directly Engage In The Vietnam War

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Women can smell a false pretense that will result in a historic and expensive international boondoggle from a mile away.

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Expecting Your Partner To Cook A Fancy Dinner

Expecting Your Partner To Cook A Fancy Dinner

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Treat the special lady in your life by telling her she can cook you something easy, like pasta.

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Revealing They Are A Little Boy Originally Made Of Wood That Was Brought To Life Through Magic

Revealing They Are A Little Boy Originally Made Of Wood That Was Brought To Life Through Magic

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However obvious your lies are, it’s better to skirt the issue of you being underage entirely.

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Picking Up A Handful Of Last-Minute Shit From The Checkout Counter At CVS

Picking Up A Handful Of Last-Minute Shit From The Checkout Counter At CVS

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You had all year to buy her a Snickers bar and a pack of gum, but now you’re going to have to go three blocks out of the way to make it happen before dinner.

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Getting A Candy Heart Stuck In Your Windpipe And Keeling Over Dead In The Office Workroom

Getting A Candy Heart Stuck In Your Windpipe And Keeling Over Dead In The Office Workroom

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Not romantic. Jesus, don’t you know anything?

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Scheduling A Foreskin Reattachment For The Same Day

Scheduling A Foreskin Reattachment For The Same Day

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They had 364 other days to get this highly painful and medically questionable procedure. Why today?

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Still Being 17

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One of the worst things a man can do on Valentine’s Day is be below the legal age of consent.

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Orchestrating A Multistate Attack On The Nation’s Power Grid

Orchestrating A Multistate Attack On The Nation’s Power Grid

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Even though he’ll try to make it seem romantic, you know deep down that destabilizing the nation’s infrastructure is less of a “you” thing and more of a “him” thing.

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You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

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