Trust us, you never want to be that person. Here are the worst mistakes you can make at a company holiday party.
Start A Family With A Coworker
The open bar made marrying and having children with your office crush seem like a good idea, but now it’s the next morning and you’re terrified of awkwardly bumping into the person with whom you just brought a baby girl into the world.
Gossip Unless It’s About Stuff Everyone Already Knows
Gossip is bad form at holiday parties unless you’re talking about things like Darryl and Claudia’s affair, which is the most obvious thing in the world.
This will only signal to higher-ups that there is still happiness within you that can be drained away starting first thing tomorrow morning.
Lay Off 10% Off Your Workforce
Although you vowed to do it before the end of the year, try to hold off until Monday, as doing it during the toast may quickly dampen the mood.
Kiss The Office Dog
Although you two are close, know that it’s going to be super awkward when the dog runs past your cubicle the morning after the party.
Eat A Roast Turkey In Front of Salivating Employees
As the wealthy head of the company, you should do the right thing and eat your delicious meal in the privacy of your own home, where you won’t have to look at the hungry, miserable faces of your employees.
Fight Your Direct Supervisor
If you’re going to go out in a blaze of glory, target the company president instead.
Get So Drunk You Form Interpersonal Relationships With Coworkers
Once bonds are created, they can be incredibly difficult to dissolve.
Giving A Six-Hour Lecture On How “Christmas” Evolved From Pagan Winter Solstice Celebrations
No way you can cover all the relevant material in less than eight. And remember to build in time for questions!
Eat More Than Can Fit In A Football Helmet
Yes, the buffet is free, but you’re really not supposed to eat more than can fit in a standard NFL helmet, so bring your own if you’re not certain your company will provide one.
Go On One Of Your Rants About The Shriners
You’ve been asked not to bring it up again, and you don’t get a pass just because you’re technically not on the clock.
Accuse The Office Santa Of Sleeping With Your Spouse
By the time you realize Santa is actually your boss in disguise and not the same Santa from the mall, it’ll already be too late to apologize.
The company was nice enough to treat everyone to a party cruise and an open bar, so don’t ruin the good vibes by falling overboard and getting lost at sea.
Bring A Homemade Dessert
All of your homemade desserts are disgusting. It’s time you knew the truth.
Perform The Ferdinand Monologue From Webster’s Duchess of Malfi
It is widely accepted that The White Devil is the superior Jacobean drama.
Drunkenly Figure Out Why The Company Has Been Hemorrhaging Money
Getting blackout drunk and coming to the realization that the CEO has been embezzling funds is only going to embarrass yourself and your boss.
Stick Around So Long Your Bones Are Discovered Thousands Of Years Later
Definitely put your time in, but it’s a bad look to die at the party and have your remains excavated by an archaeologist in the year 4750.
Honestly, you are much better off just avoiding this thing altogether.