Worst Things To Say To Someone Who Is Sober

Worst Things To Say To Someone Who Is Sober

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“Drugs exist.”

“Drugs exist.”

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Even such a simple reminder about addictive substances can send your friend spiraling into a relapse.

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“If you can finish this entire kilo of coke in one sitting, the whole thing’s free!”

“If you can finish this entire kilo of coke in one sitting, the whole thing’s free!”

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Even those individuals most devoted to sobriety will have trouble passing up such an incredible deal.

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“Let’s watch The Fifth Element.”

“Let’s watch The Fifth Element.”

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It’s irresponsible of you to suggest it’s possible for someone to make it through all 126 minutes of this movie without reaching for a bong.

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“I guess I’ll drink your margarita then.”

“I guess I’ll drink your margarita then.”

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You deliberately ordered two margaritas because you assumed they wouldn’t drink theirs, but you shouldn’t have put that temptation in front of them.

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“I’m getting a divorce unless you start drinking.”

“I’m getting a divorce unless you start drinking.”

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Ultimatums are never a good idea, especially when trying to coax someone out of recovery.

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“You’re in recovery? But you don’t seem like a total fuck-up.”

“You’re in recovery? But you don’t seem like a total fuck-up.”

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All kinds of people can be in recovery, so don’t just assume they idiotically threw away their life. Even though they probably did.

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“Yummy yum yum in my tum tum tum.”

“Yummy yum yum in my tum tum tum.”

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Saying this while imbibing alcohol as you smile and lick your lips is often too powerful a temptation for those with substance abuse issues.

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“I’d offer you a drink, but then you’ll end up killing someone with your car.”

“I’d offer you a drink, but then you’ll end up killing someone with your car.”

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There’s no need to go into detail about the family of five they’d kill in a head-on collision while on a bender set off by just a sip of beer.

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“Wait, it’s not like you have an addiction you overcame or anything, you just, like, feel healthier without drinking? So, who cares?’

“Wait, it’s not like you have an addiction you overcame or anything, you just, like, feel healthier without drinking? So, who cares?’

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Look, you’re just going to have to keep this opinion to yourself.

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“Now that you’re sober, we can finally have that long in-depth conversation about how the internet has made us more connected but also more lonely.”

“Now that you’re sober, we can finally have that long in-depth conversation about how the internet has made us more connected but also more lonely.”

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It’s better to just foist over a Ziploc bag of meth, heroin, and vicodin than start a conversation like this.

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“You’re running out of time to die young.”

“You’re running out of time to die young.”

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No real reason at all to tell a sober person that the clock’s ticking on going out like Jim Morrison or Amy Winehouse.

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“You still owe me, like, $800.”

“You still owe me, like, $800.”

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They are bound to react badly, and should be given a chance to make amends over time, even though it’s total bullshit, and just because someone was an alcoholic doesn’t make it okay that they never paid you for their share of that hotel room no matter what your friends or the therapist says.

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“Does the salad have beer in it?”

“Does the salad have beer in it?”

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Though well-intentioned, sober people don’t need you asking the waiter these kinds of questions on their behalf.

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“Zephyrus Malfeso Fixatum”

“Zephyrus Malfeso Fixatum”

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With these words of power, your subject is under your complete control, obligated to fulfill your any whim, including taking drugs and alcohol.

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“Don’t freak out, but there’s a huge beer on your shoulder.”

“Don’t freak out, but there’s a huge beer on your shoulder.”

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Don’t swat at it, don’t scream. It’s better to just quietly brush it away rather than cause them to panic.

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“I understand you’re a little boy who can’t handle scary adult drinks in his little belly.”

“I understand you’re a little boy who can’t handle scary adult drinks in his little belly.”

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This may seem accommodating, but infantilizing a sober person by offering to get them a juice box doesn’t make them feel any better.

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“When do you plan to fall off the wagon again?”

“When do you plan to fall off the wagon again?”

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Stop putting pressure on them; it’ll happen when it happens.

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“Ohhh, so that’s why you have no personality.”

“Ohhh, so that’s why you have no personality.”

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Don’t assume sobriety is the reason someone’s boring. Instead, just ask them directly why they’re so incredibly tedious.

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“Hey man, don’t worry, I also have an addiction—to those inflation porn cartoons. You know those ones, with Disney characters turning into giants and then sometimes they eat the other character like Aladdin, or something gets eaten by Jasmine. Shit, please don’t tell anyone about this. I’m serious. I’ll fucking destroy you if you tell my wife about this. I shouldn’t have said any of this out loud.”

“Hey man, don’t worry, I also have an addiction—to those inflation porn cartoons. You know those ones, with Disney characters turning into giants and then sometimes they eat the other character like Aladdin, or something gets eaten by Jasmine. Shit, please don’t tell anyone about this. I’m serious. I’ll fucking destroy you if you tell my wife about this. I shouldn’t have said any of this out loud.”

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Don’t say this.

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“Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay, Hey, Look At The Camera, Lindsay, hey!”

“Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay, Hey, Look At The Camera, Lindsay, hey!”

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Recovery is a personal journey, and you can’t expect someone to instantly open up just because you’re chasing them with a camera.

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