Driving school should really teach you how to use a gun. Here are the worst things you can say to someone with road rage.
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“Life is too short to be angry over a minor traffic dispute. Let us instead appeal to our better nature and try to reach a peaceful understanding.”
“Life is too short to be angry over a minor traffic dispute. Let us instead appeal to our better nature and try to reach a peaceful understanding.”
Saying something this stupid is a death wish.
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“I can’t help but think that your anger towards my car is also directed at me.”
“I can’t help but think that your anger towards my car is also directed at me.”
Don’t split hairs, even if you have a sneaking suspicion that the confrontation is personal.
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“Hey, can you hold onto my guns for a second?”
“Hey, can you hold onto my guns for a second?”
Yeah, this won’t end well.
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“CAR SWAP!”
“CAR SWAP!”
Spontaneously taking off in your aggressor’s vehicle will only escalate things.
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“It was the guy in front of me’s fault. Let’s track him down and beat him up instead.”
“It was the guy in front of me’s fault. Let’s track him down and beat him up instead.”
And so the cycle of violence continues.
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“Let’s all calm down, take a deep breath, and do a choreographed musical number on top of our vehicles!”
“Let’s all calm down, take a deep breath, and do a choreographed musical number on top of our vehicles!”
In addition to bringing traffic to a complete standstill, you’ll quickly realize that no one else knows the routine.
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“Want to get a drink when you’re done smashing my headlights?”
“Want to get a drink when you’re done smashing my headlights?”
You couldn’t possibly be that lonely.
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“Yes, in fact I am legally blind.”
“Yes, in fact I am legally blind.”
Now they’re sure to feel like a real asshole for calling out your awful, dangerous driving.
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“You roll down your window, I’ll roll down mine, and then we’ll whip loose car change at each other until we settle this.”
“You roll down your window, I’ll roll down mine, and then we’ll whip loose car change at each other until we settle this.”
Better to just not engage them.
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“There’s actually a baby on board, and I’m a student driver.”
“There’s actually a baby on board, and I’m a student driver.”
Probably would have been better to just pick one excuse.
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“The car accident wasn’t that bad. You still have some of your blood.”
“The car accident wasn’t that bad. You still have some of your blood.”
You’re better off just calling 9-1-1 at this point.
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“Why don’t you take it out on your kids instead?”
“Why don’t you take it out on your kids instead?”
Never tell a raging driver that they’ve got plenty of targets for their anger right at home.
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“Yikes, someone’s getting a low Uber rating.”
“Yikes, someone’s getting a low Uber rating.”
Remember your life is in their hands.
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“Hands at 10 and two, mister!”
“Hands at 10 and two, mister!”
There’s no proper driving grip for punching the steering wheel so hard that the airbag deploys.
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“Do you give lessons?”
“Do you give lessons?”
This will be perceived as a taunt, even if you do actually need to work on not being such a pussy behind the wheel.
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“Doesn’t this traffic just make you wanna kill somebody?”
“Doesn’t this traffic just make you wanna kill somebody?”
A driver seeing red always defaults to the nearest “somebody.”
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“Family is everything.”
“Family is everything.”
Shut up, Dom!
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“Your pitch is off. You need to scream in a baritone but shout in a tenor.”
“Your pitch is off. You need to scream in a baritone but shout in a tenor.”
Providing unsolicited tips on which vocal range to deliver insults in will only add fuel to the fire.
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“Why don’t you pick on a car your own size?”
“Why don’t you pick on a car your own size?”
Reminding them that their SUV could absolutely run your hybrid off the road will not make things better.
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“Your taillight is broken.”
“Your taillight is broken.”
Now yours is too!
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