Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Black Friday

Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Black Friday

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Earthquake Machines

Earthquake Machines

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No one knows why Amazon randomly generates tremors throughout its fulfillment centers, only that you’re not getting paid for re-shelving 10,000 square feet of sneakers.

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The Same Things They Do All The Other Days

The Same Things They Do All The Other Days

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A real successful company like Amazon isn’t going to let its employees off the hook of exploitation 364 days of the year.

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Fewer Spots To Pass Out

Fewer Spots To Pass Out

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Peak staffing and expanded inventory means much less floor space to faint.

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Christmas Music Pumped Into The Shipping Center

Christmas Music Pumped Into The Shipping Center

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Come on, it’s not even December yet.

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Marking Them 50% Off

Marking Them 50% Off

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Amazon clearly doesn’t value their employees if they are selling them for such deep discounts.

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Ringing The Bell

Ringing The Bell

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Workers aren’t sure what they’re supposed to do when they hear it, and that’s the scariest part.

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Entire Workforce Required To Split Single Bean For Dinner

Entire Workforce Required To Split Single Bean For Dinner

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Sharing a paper-thin slice of a single lima bean is particularly galling when workers are clearly able to see Jeff Bezos through the nearby window enjoying a feast of steak and goose pie.

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Makes Them Carjack Their Delivery Vehicles

Makes Them Carjack Their Delivery Vehicles

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Facing a shortage of package delivery vans, Amazon has begun requiring workers to provide their own by giving them a handgun and a ski mask and wishing them good luck.

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Jeff Bezos Wife Contest

Jeff Bezos Wife Contest

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As if working grueling 16-hour shifts with no breaks weren’t humiliating enough, every black Friday, Jeff Bezos lines the every worker up and picks that year’s bride.

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Robots Get Time Off

Robots Get Time Off

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Thousands of fulfillment center robots have generous time off, leaving additional transport and sorting tasks to already-exhausted human workers.

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Workers Forced To Urinate In Cranberry Sauce Can

Workers Forced To Urinate In Cranberry Sauce Can

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While management has claimed this adds a festive bent to Black Friday, workers would still overwhelmingly prefer actual bathroom breaks.

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Speaking To Them In Bleeps And Bloops

Speaking To Them In Bleeps And Bloops

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Amazon cannot, in good faith, argue that they don’t treat their workers like robots when they only communicate to them using onomatopoeiac machine sounds.

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Ask Them To Help Jeff Bezos Move

Ask Them To Help Jeff Bezos Move

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No matter how much he apologizes, it’s just plain rude that Bezos didn’t hire a mover, told his employees about the move on short notice, and roped everyone into helping move that heavy sleeper sofa through that tight hallway.

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No Hugs For Doing A Good Job

No Hugs For Doing A Good Job

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Despite relying on these workers to make the almost $2 trillion company function, Amazon workers are not even given a congratulatory hug to let them know that management is proud of them and they are loved.

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Using Workers As Drones

Using Workers As Drones

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In order to increase efficiency, Amazon has been known to surgically implant propellers into its employees’ backs so they can be used as delivery drones by the company.

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Their Human Teeth Deal

Their Human Teeth Deal

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While we can’t prove thousands of discount teeth came from workers, there’s no way Amazon would be able to advertise a human tooth sale for 10 days straight if they weren’t.

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Distracting OSHA Rep With Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan

Distracting OSHA Rep With Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan

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Workers have little chance of having their grievances heard when the OSHA inspector is locked in a conference room watching Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan on the warehouse manager’s laptop.

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Makes Them Pay For Everything You Buy

Makes Them Pay For Everything You Buy

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Where do you think those sales come from? You think Amazon’s bottom line takes the hit? You’re out of your mind.

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Giving Workers A Free Fire Kindle Fire Tablet If They Kill Their Pro-Union Colleagues

Giving Workers A Free Fire Kindle Fire Tablet If They Kill Their Pro-Union Colleagues

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Anyone with a rudimentary understanding of labor laws can confirm that this is an illegal union-busting tactic.

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Setting Up Self-Surgery Stations For Workplace Injuries

Setting Up Self-Surgery Stations For Workplace Injuries

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Instead of spending money on professionals who can administer first aid, Amazon forces workers to perform their own medical treatment to save the company time and money.

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Labels The Slow Ones As “Drone Meat”

Labels The Slow Ones As “Drone Meat”

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Yes, Amazon drones are entirely powered by human flesh, but that doesn’t mean they have to use their workers.

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Forced to Witness The Blatant Commercialism Of The Holiday Season

Forced to Witness The Blatant Commercialism Of The Holiday Season

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Always a bummer when you’re not on the receiving end of things.

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Mandatory Hot Coal Breaks

Mandatory Hot Coal Breaks

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Black Friday is hard enough without Amazon forcing workers to remove their shoes and stand on hot coals every 30 minutes.

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Must Fight Robots For Jeff Bezos’s Pleasure

Must Fight Robots For Jeff Bezos’s Pleasure

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Employees are regularly subjected to gladiator battles against fulfillment robots for nothing more than CEO Jeff Bezos’s amusement.

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