With the new millennium nearly upon us, here are some handy tips to help prepare you for what may lie ahead:
- Stock up on canned goods, paper bags, packages of Jell-O, small cardboard boxes and Reader's Digest back issues, or simply move in with an elderly person.
- Memorize Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5" now, so you can continue to enjoy it after there are no radio stations.
- Learn a valuable skill, such as masonry, woodcutting or trench-digging. These trades will be much sought-after in the coming Empire Of The Beast-King.
- Stock up on Hostess Fruit Pies. This may not keep you alive for long, but while it does… oh, baby.
- Decide now whether you want to focus on raping or pillaging when the end comes.
- Learn basic survival skills… the Tae-Bo® way.
- Develop the ability to convert sunlight into energy using the chlorophyll in your body.
- Build yourself a moonshine still. Actually, this is a good idea almost any time.
- Integrate yourself into sewer-based C.H.U.D. tribes now, before they think you're just jumping on the post-apocalyptic bandwagon.
- Don't stand close to a computer at midnight on New Year's Eve. It may emit showers of sparks and say, "Error… Error," in a mechanical monotone.
- When the apocalypse comes, plan to rely solely on your good looks, amiable manner and pleasant telephone voice.
- In charge of a fringe church or militia? This may be the big break you've been waiting for.
- When defending your food piles, remember to aim for the center of the face.
- Hot chicks want nothing more than to survive the Y2K crisis. Telling them you have a shelter and food supply will be all you need to have a sexxxy new millennium.
- If disaster strikes, it's God's wrath—quote the Old Testament. But if nothing happens, God is merciful—quote the New Testament.