SOUTH DEERFIELD, MA—Offering sincere apologies to customers for the misunderstanding, Yankee Candle clarified Thursday that their product has only ever been intended to be dripped on testicles. “I guess we could have put some sort of instructions on the label, but we assumed everyone already knew they were for melting and drizzling on balls—why else would you even buy a candle?” said spokesperson Carol Sheridan, explaining that the intended use of the wax play products had been made abundantly clear with their choice to prominently market erotically named scents such as “Autumn Pearl,” “Cozy By The Fire” and “Midnight Jasmine,” as well as the Yankee Candle Housewarmer French Vanilla 3-Wick candle for “really sick fucks.” “When we first founded Yankee Candle, we set out to make the finest wax to be trickled on nutsacks. We’re proud to continue our mission to cater to kinky freaks everywhere. We can guarantee that our candles are specifically engineered for melting point and drip texture to maximize pain without causing damage.” Sheridan went on to clarify that the candles were hazardous if used for illumination purposes.
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