Yeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse Or Whatever

Illustration for article titled Yeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse Or Whatever

WASHINGTON—Responding to escalating reports warning of imminent catastrophe, the nation expressed Monday that yeah, yeah, we get it, we’re rapidly approaching the end of the critical window to avert climate collapse or whatever. “Sure, sure, I’ve heard this whole song and dance before about how we’re only years away from a point of no return where global ruin is unavoidable, so if you don’t mind, I’ve got shit to do,” said D.C. resident Aarav Khatri, echoing the sentiments of 328 million Americans who already know the whole deal about a domino effect leading inexorably to extreme storms, decimation of the food supply, climate refugees, political destabilization, and all that bullshit. “Totally, we may have already missed our chance to avert massive devastation and we need to act with the utmost urgency before it becomes exponentially worse, blah, blah, blah—message received loud and clear.” At press time, the nation’s populace had allowed itself one brief, horrifying moment of clarity about the upcoming cataclysm before getting on with the rest of the day.

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