MOSCOW—Returning from beyond the grave to seek revenge on Vladimir Putin for the Russian president’s suspected involvement in his untimely death, the late oligarch and Wagner Group founder Yevgeny Prigozhin has begun marching toward the Kremlin with an army of 25,000 undead soldiers, sources reported Monday. “I live near the highway that leads into Moscow, and this morning I could smell rotting human flesh and hear all these eerie voices wailing ‘Puuuuutin, Puuuuutin’ over and over again,” said witness Aleksandr Fedorov, 48, stepping over a trail of sloughed-off skin left by the deceased but reanimated mercenaries, who reportedly rattled their bones threateningly as their putrid forms hobbled toward Moscow. “Some of their lower jaws and arms were falling off, but they kept marching on. A few of them in the back had no legs and could only crawl—it was so creepy. I even saw Prigozhin sharpening one of his men’s femurs into a dagger and heard him mutter that he was going to use it to gouge out Putin’s eyes.” At press time, reports confirmed Prigozhin and his 25,000 troops had collapsed into a pile of bones just before reaching the Kremlin.
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