Strap in, gamers, because this is a weird one. Two days after our staff expected him, a severely overweight, dead-eyed Shigeru Miyamoto just showed up to the Onion Gamer Expo with his eyebrows shaved off, and he is now silently wandering around the convention hall.
Oof. We really don’t know what to make of this.
See, Mr. Miyamoto, the legendary game designer for Nintendo, was originally scheduled to give a presentation on the main stage earlier this week. As abiding fans of everything he’s contributed to the history of video games, we were all really excited by a rumor that he might be making a big announcement about an upcoming Mario game. He didn’t show up, though, and we didn’t hear anything from him or his representatives about where he was. Ultimately, we assumed he had canceled due to an illness.
Flash forward to today, spectators at the Cyberpunk 2077 demonstration noticed an unhealthily obese, middle-aged Japanese man standing completely still in the middle of the Marvel’s Avengers tent, emptily staring at an exit sign. We didn’t recognize him at first, but after taking a second look, we realized, dear God, that’s Shigeru Miyamoto, and he looks like he’s in horrible shape.
What the hell is going on, gamers?
Our first concern wasn’t that he had missed delivering Monday’s exclusive OGE Nintendo Direct. The more pressing thing was that Miyamoto appeared to be eating from a three-pound sack full of pistachios while repeatedly muttering the word “liars” under his breath in a near-catatonic state. His shirt is completely stained and rumpled, and, well, let’s just say he doesn’t smell great. It’s like a combination of rubbing alcohol and really badly burnt clay—it makes you gag a little just getting a whiff from far away.
After overcoming our distress, we tried to approach the designer behind The Legend Of Zelda and Super Mario and ask what he thought of the conference, and he just said, “Maybe I will—maybe I fucking will—see how they feel about it” before wandering off to the Epic Games booth, where he’s now just glaring at Tim Sweeney and breathing loudly. We’re really scared, and we’re not sure why.
Readers, should we call an ambulance or something?
Either way, we’ll keep an eye on him for you, and let you know if there are any updates. Suffice it to say, it doesn’t look like we’re getting bonus DLC for Super Mario Odyssey or a new 3DS version of Mario Party anytime soon, and what this means for the future of Nintendo in the next generation is anyone’s guess.