‘You’ve Been Cited For Drinking Adrenochrome At Work,’ Facebook HR Warns Employee During Conspiracy-Laden Performance Review

Illustration for article titled ‘You’ve Been Cited For Drinking Adrenochrome At Work,’ Facebook HR Warns Employee During Conspiracy-Laden Performance Review

MENLO PARK, CA—As part of the social media company’s quarterly conspiracy-laden performance review, Facebook human resources representative Amber Sutherland warned employee Simon Daniels Thursday that he had been cited for drinking adrenochrome at work. “Unfortunately, we have to place you on probation due to reports that you were harvesting adrenochrome from young children’s blood in order to steal their youth during work hours,” said Sutherland, explaining that the employee violated Facebook’s company policy by collecting the blood of sex-trafficked minors to feed the Jewish cabal of puppet masters who control society. “Consider this your last warning, because we have also received complaints that you have been installing 5G cell phone towers to cause the coronavirus pandemic. Rest assured, Facebook takes any effort to depopulate the planet very seriously. Furthermore, if we find any evidence that you are continuing to stage mass shootings hoaxes with crisis actors, we will have no choice but to place you on permanent leave.” At press time, Facebook HR was forced to terminate Daniels after he was accused of using company property to overthrow the U.S. government by microchipping employees.