RADNOR, PA—Explaining that the child’s fever, nausea, and general discomfort were “completely normal” following his recent exposure to the substance, pediatricians at Radnor Health Associates informed the parents of local 5-year-old Jacob Fair on Tuesday that the young boy is still in the process of developing antibodies to Mountain Dew. “A child’s immune system is immature at birth and takes time to build up a natural resistance to Mountain Dew, but you can rest assured that Jacob is currently developing the antibodies he needs to tolerate the soda without becoming sick or diseased,” Dr. Alan Virgil told Fair’s parents, explaining that the current symptoms could last seven to 12 days and recommending that Fair get plenty of bed rest as his body synthesizes specialized proteins that can quickly recognize the soda, bind to it, and flush it from his body before it can inflict damage. “Every child feels lousy when he’s first exposed to Mountain Dew—it’s just part of growing up and maturing. But by the time he arrives at kindergarten and is exposed to Mountain Dew Kickstart, Code Red, and other Mountain Dew products that his friends bring to class, he’ll soon be able to drink numerous cans every day without slowing down for a second.” The pediatrician added that if Fair’s mother planned to have another child, she might be able to prevent a repeat of the scenario by drinking plenty of Mountain Dew during pregnancy, ensuring that antibodies are passed down in utero.
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