ALEXANDRIA, MN—Admitting their disbelief at how tall and strong the 13-year-old has gotten since last year, members of the local Gunderson family confirmed Thursday that younger cousin Will Gunderson’s growth spurt has completely thrown off the competitive balance of their annual Thanksgiving touch football game. “He’s usually on the opposite team of Ethan since they’re both the youngest, but now it’s just not fair—Will must have at least four inches and 20 pounds on him,” said 23-year-old Steven Gunderson, adding that his younger cousin’s drastic change in height and size forced the family to stop the game after a few downs and reevaluate everyone’s skill level in order to prevent one team from suffering a total blowout. “It’d be one thing if Will was just tall, but he’s pretty fast and actually put a bit of muscle on those scrawny arms he used to have. I don’t know what Aunt Tina’s been feeding him, but one thing’s for sure: If we play with the same teams we normally have, it’ll be a goddamn bloodbath out there.” At press time, numerous backyard sources confirmed that Will’s growth spurt was entirely offset by the noticeable decline in speed and strength of his 62-year-old father.
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