Your Astrological Predictions For 2008

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Like a shooting star, so too will your outer extremities ignite while hurdling through the earth's atmosphere in May.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will see remarkable growth and success in 2008. Sadly, what you won't see is that gasoline truck careening your way.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The hands of fate will lead you to new answers in March. Then, when nobody is looking, they will touch you in an inappropriate place.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will be filled with life in the coming year, thanks to roughly 4,000 spider eggs and a sudden temperature rise in your inner ear.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Don't get discouraged if things don't go your way during the first half of the year. There will be plenty of time for that during the second half of the year.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Be wary of advice from untrustworthy sources this coming June—or maybe it's July. No, wait, it's definitely June. Yeah.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

After months of carrying it around, you'll suddenly lose all that excess weight midway through your second trimester.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The stars would tell you to spend more time with loved ones this year, but that pretty much eliminates everyone in your life.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Remember when you were a little kid and your father went completely insane that one year? Well, the whole thing will feel strangely familiar to you around August.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

After years of loyalty and hard work, you'll be replaced by an actual metal cog this coming September.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

While faith has always guided you in life, it will soon leave you with nowhere to turn in death.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Love awaits you where you least expect it in 2008—anatomically speaking, that is.