Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Despite your claims of historical importance and the need to remember America's fallen heroes, the authorities continue to refuse to grant you the permits required by your avid group of drug-war re-enactors.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Venus in your sun sign means that you'll spend many hours this week traveling through some rough and unfamiliar romantic territory. Bullet holes in the road signs, however, mean you're traveling through Texas.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
There comes a time in a man's life when he begins to take stock—his thoughts turn to his place in the world, his impending mortality, and the meaning of life, if any at all… But yours will stay pretty much fixed on vaginas.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
This is a good week to remember that love is not a game for cowards. It's also not fair, not played by any rules, and not a game you can win, so good luck, Romeo.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'd always dreamed of the many glamorous ways in which being a rhino hunter would change your life, but it's pretty much the way it's always been except for hunting all the charging rhinos.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be shunned by some of the more traditional members of the tightly knit community of pornography directors for your tendency to ruin climactic moments by splashing the actresses with all the wrong bodily fluids.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be mortified at the group of self-righteous, middle-income, non-nurse-murdering losers that the state seems to consider a jury of your peers.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
No one knew that when you said "your own special brand of justice" you were just talking about another variation of the old ding-dong-ditch.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You seem to glow with your own special inner light, which is probably because of all that radium in your diet.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Remember: Despite your talents and capabilities, you are just one person. Stop insisting that you're a 14-piece bluegrass band.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the older women on the parole board.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Jesus Himself in all His heavenly glory will appear before you, but unfortunately, the dream will only be moderately erotic.