Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll spend next week feeling like the proverbial motherless child a long way from home without anyone in the world who cares for you, which is pretty self-indulgent, considering the thousands of people who literally are that.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It's no wonder people find your life story a little hard to believe. Certainly you must have done something besides "on with the pants, off with the pants."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've always loved late-summer camping, but that was before Smokey The Bear was encouraged to rip careless marshmallow-roasters right the fuck in half.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You're the type of woman who has a ski rack on her 1993 Volvo, but does not own skis. Although there is only one woman of that type, it is unfortunately you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
There is in fact a purpose to the universe. However, the purpose is to utterly and completely destroy you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It seems like you have spent years looking for the right way to show that special someone that you love her, but in the end, you'll just resort to building her a palace from the shattered bones of all who oppose you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It's true that one should keep one's friends close and one's enemies closer, but first, one has to inspire strong feelings of one sort or another in one's fellow man.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Everyone says that there's never any reason to take a human life, but it seems like you just keep coming up with more of them every day.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Please understand that you broke the Zodiac's heart when you fell in love with your therapist's son and moved to Utah with him to get your pilot's license, but it's probably for the best.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Fame may be fleeting, but human compassion endures. In other words, you should calm down and let Carl Weathers stay on your couch a few more days.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
When the aliens begin to arrive next week, please don't be the one to let the human race down by showing them how you can jump your bike off the roof right into the pool.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Late at night, you still see the faces of every single one of your victims, which would not be half as horrifying if you weren't the exterminator for the city of Newark.