Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
This coming week is a good time for Aries to explore different career options, which, with your skill set, should leave Tuesday through Sunday wide open.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Time itself will seem to slow down next week when a crazed sniper takes to the top of a nearby clock tower whose minute hand is badly in need of being oiled.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult some tea leaves again, the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your perfectionism will get the best of you this week when you attempt to draw a geometrically correct circle freehand.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Like the bonsai tree, you require special attention and care. Also like the bonsai tree, you are far, almost freakishly, below normal size.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The emergency-room doctor said you'd never walk again, but he'll change his mind when he sees you drag your lifeless bottom half back from your car, hunting knife firmly between your teeth.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After many months of aggravation, your squad will celebrate a rare victory this week in Iraq, after utterly and completely defeating its purpose.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
When taking the SATs this year, remember: Preparation is key. Start practicing early by shading in tiny rectangular boxes with a No. 2 pencil.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be humiliated after a club DJ urges those dancing to get funky, only to give a more detailed definition of what he means by "funky"after spotting you in the crowd, when he realizes it would be easier to explain what "funky" is not.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be honored this week in a gala ceremony, during which the award's presenter describes you as the "Lenny Bruce of breakfast cereal manufacturers," claiming that without the "courageous path you helped pave," there could never have been a Cookie Crisp.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've heard the old joke about everyone in prison being innocent many times before, but this week will mark the first time you hear it told by a team of DNA experts.