Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt and short-lived climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller-coaster for the first time, you finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
As the court stenographer, your job is to transcribe testimony without bias. Still, you will not be able to stop yourself from typing off-color comments about a fast-talking and thick-accented defendant on trial for murder.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A deep-sea diving excursion will momentarily help you escape from all of your problems back on land, until you catch sight of a species of sea anemone that seems to perfectly express how far behind you are on your home’s mortgage payments.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Misguided by the success of Orson Welles’ groundbreaking all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week, after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Rock venue managers from across the country will praise your ingenuity and business savvy next week, after you successfully employ a sheepdog to corral and guide a lineup of Wilco fans into your club.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will soon discover that your home’s fire escape plan, although seemingly effective, fails to take fire into account.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
During an interview with your son’s grade-school teacher, you’ll be relieved to learn how little you give a shit about how he is doing.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Rummaging through your basement, you will stumble upon an old guide on picking up women from the 1970s, which, after a visit to your local bar, you will discover works just as well as the day it was printed.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll run out of your secret ingredient of love halfway through baking a batch of lemon squares this week. Thankfully, you’ll have enough hate and jealousy on hand for an infinite number of desserts
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be accidentally left behind by a tour group while visiting Mexico City next week, resulting in a harrowing and distressing afternoon of not being able to accurately identify which buildings are colonial.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A poorly translated Chinese proverb about respect and honor will elicit howls of laughter from you and your friends.