Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt and short-lived climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller-coaster for the first time, you finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

As the court stenographer, your job is to transcribe testimony without bias. Still, you will not be able to stop yourself from typing off-color comments about a fast-talking and thick-accented defendant on trial for murder.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

A deep-sea diving excursion will momentarily help you escape from all of your problems back on land, until you catch sight of a species of sea anemone that seems to perfectly express how far behind you are on your home’s mortgage payments.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Misguided by the success of Orson Welles’ groundbreaking all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week, after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Rock venue managers from across the country will praise your ingenuity and business savvy next week, after you successfully employ a sheepdog to corral and guide a lineup of Wilco fans into your club.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will soon discover that your home’s fire escape plan, although seemingly effective, fails to take fire into account.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

During an interview with your son’s grade-school teacher, you’ll be relieved to learn how little you give a shit about how he is doing.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Rummaging through your basement, you will stumble upon an old guide on picking up women from the 1970s, which, after a visit to your local bar, you will discover works just as well as the day it was printed.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ll run out of your secret ingredient of love halfway through baking a batch of lemon squares this week. Thankfully, you’ll have enough hate and jealousy on hand for an infinite number of desserts

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will be accidentally left behind by a tour group while visiting Mexico City next week, resulting in a harrowing and distressing afternoon of not being able to accurately identify which buildings are colonial.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

A poorly translated Chinese proverb about respect and honor will elicit howls of laughter from you and your friends.

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