Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
While it's normal to harbor some resentment after a long and drawn-out divorce, the stars are still of the opinion that your latest roller-coaster-ride design is really petty.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
In a freaky incident, you and your 16-year-old daughter will magically swap bodies this Friday, leaving you with a better understanding of the pressures of being a teenager, and your daughter with an unwanted pregnancy.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Despite not giving them any say in the matter, you will enter into a murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-suicide pact with your bank hostages this week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You're a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Geminis.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will come under repeated attacks when a new organization, Drunk Drivers Against Mothers, takes to the street and parts of the sidewalk this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
For the fourth straight week, the line between your room's ashtray and the rest of your room will grow less distinct.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Life takes a turn for the worse this week when you're checked into the burn unit of a nearby hospital, instantly becoming the target of jealous and vindictive attacks from the ward's only other hydrochloric acid victim in the process.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will stumble upon a lost golden retriever on your way back from work this week. Fortunately, an address tag will reveal exactly where you shouldn't walk your new golden retriever.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
While you may suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism that has the effect of rendering facial expressions difficult to read, there's no way anyone could've made sense of that emoticon.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence, especially after the abortion is performed.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. hoped for a world where African Americans would be judged not on the color of their skin, but on the content of their character. Either way, you'll always have a reason to hate Jimmie "J.J." Walker.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
There are some things in life you simply can't stress enough. It's too bad you keep putting it on the wrong syllables, though.