Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn't have the right to vote.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Most experts agree that language is what separates humans from other animals, but as you well know it is in fact our ability to choose bestiality.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
While being a homemaker is a full-time job, you will somehow still find the time to take on a second job as an emotional punching bag.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Many will be moved and inspired when you decide to court a terminally ill woman in the last months of her life, but that's just the kind of necrophiliac you are.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Construction on the new high-rise building you're working on will devolve into lewd and inappropriate whistling as an attractive woman rapidly falls by.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your years as an enthusiastic spectator will finally be properly appreciated when a touring musician asks you and the rest of the crowd to give yourselves a hand for being such a fantastic audience.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Family members may accuse you of being selfish and self-centered, but the truth is you'd do anything mutually beneficial for them.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be rightfully excited when your city's bid to host the 2011 Special Olympics makes it to the final round, even though you have a feeling that in the end the games will end up going to Mongolia.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your 10-hour shift would go by a lot faster if you didn't keep looking up at the clock every five minutes, but as head surgeon, it's your responsibility to record the time of death of patients.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Doctors will agree to separate your newborn conjoined twins, but adamantly object to your request to put over 5,000 miles between them.