Aries | March 21 to April 19
A magical nymph will appear at a most distressing time in your life and offer to help in return for your future first-born son—a hell of a deal considering how heavily you'll drink while pregnant.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but, as cardiologists will point out, the diminishing presence of blood flow in your right ventricle is having an entirely different effect.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Although everyone at the wedding will laugh when an elderly guest catches the bride's bouquet, the incident will seem even funnier moments later after the realization of just how unthinkable the old woman is as a potential mate.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will sink to a new low during a game of Monopoly this week, when, in an attempt to dissuade your opponent from purchasing Oriental Avenue, you'll casually remark that "it's not called Oriental Avenue for nothing."
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
When Mozart stood before the piano, he was said to have seen not a series of black and white keys, but rather an entire symphony. Something similar can be said for you and unconscious women.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is born of ignorance, your claims this week that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
One of the greatest archeological discoveries in decades will be yours this week after you uncover the disturbingly-well preserved remains of an ancient Roman vomitorium.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There's no good way to deliver next week's news, except possibly in Sanskrit. Unfortunately there's no word in the archaic language for "hemorrhage."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will come down with a bout of food poisoning so prolonged and painful you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy. Although, considering how you contracted it, you'd have every right to.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be awarded the Thurber Prize for American Humor next week after your car crash into a school bus of children is described as a "scathing satire of society's reckless driving."
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Despite countless compliments over the years, you'll be confused this week as to how to interpret a television critic's review that describes you as "the over-thinking man's Greg Kinnear."