Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You've always prided yourself on being able to both "talk the talk" and "walk the walk," but, sadly, a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will learn the hard way this week that, while rescue workers can take your boy out of the Mississippi River, they can't take the Mississippi River out of your boy.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

At this rate, weekly psychiatric sessions will help to cure you of your single-minded materialistic worldview in no time.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

To commemorate 20 years of being happily separated, you and your ex-husband will decide to renew your divorce vows this week.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

After 86 years spent dreading the moment it would occur, your lengthy past will catch up with you this week.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

It is unwise to judge a book by its cover, especially if the cover contains an enthusiastic blurb from the Oklahoma Evening Gazette.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your ideological resistance to purchasing anything produced at overseas sweatshops will greatly complicate an otherwise straightforward purchase of three Indonesian children on the black market.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

While it's easy to get overwhelmed, just remember: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single plane-ticket reservation.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum-security prison of your choice next week.