Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You'll know you've made it as a drag queen this week when four unidentified men jump you from behind, shatter six of your ribs, and walk away shouting anti-gay epithets at your crumpled form.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if that place is a cramped wooden coffin, six feet underground.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Despite sharing similar backgrounds, the use of abstract language in complex arrangements, and a capacity for the construction of primitive tools, you'll finally admit that things just aren't working out with that cute young primate.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

After years of putting up an emotional wall to keep loved ones from getting too close, you'll realize the error of your ways this Thursday and purchase three tons of brick and cement.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

With the exception of perhaps the stars, nobody would have ever guessed you'd end up a pedophile— much less a pediatrician.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

In a stirring display of national unity next week, you and two million other participants will join hands to form an unbroken chain across the Mexican-American border.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Remember: It may take a village to raise a child, but, as U.S. Air Force recruiters have known for years now, it takes only one child to raze a village.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Take heart in knowing that, someday, you'll inspire a whole new generation to pursue their dreams, secure in the knowledge that they couldn't possibly do any worse than you.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Panicked and fearing no other existing option, you will knock your girlfriend down only one month after knocking her up.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

A string of murders by an unidentified assailant dubbed the "East Side Slasher" will raise not only important questions about your town's lack of security but, more importantly, about its complete lack of cross-town public transportation.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

In time many will come to see you as a veritable hobbling encyclopedia of surgery complications and mishaps.

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