Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be betrayed this week, time and time again, by your own ch'i.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will struggle next week to take pleasure in the little things in life, particularly the flagellated protozoan parasite Giardia lamblia, which will manifest itself in your gastrointestinal tract and inflict agonizing abdominal pain.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will feel very much like a fish out of water this week when your limbs are sadistically bound with rope and you are dropped off the bow of an ocean liner into the Pacific.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You realize it's an uphill battle with no guarantee of success, but if you don't silently disapprove of racism, who will?
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
With the help of a Native American tracker and a reasonably fresh trail, you will hunt down just where in Michigan those elegant, pointed-toe heels are sold.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After the murder of her husband, the kidnapping and subsequent drowning of her three children, and rape of her elderly mother behind a strip mall on the edge of town, you will have to hand it to your accuser for having one hell of a memory.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Disappointment will be yours this week when what you first believe to be the play's curtain call turns out to be just Act 1, Scene 2.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
As a beta tester for the latest version of QuarkXPress, you have seen some things the rest of the page-layout-designing world should never have to.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
While the countless differences between newborns and orange-juice cartons are clear, you will miss the most important distinction of all as you vigorously shake your two-month-old to death.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A sluggish Red Cross blood drive combined with a fatal stab wound delivered to your chest just blocks from the main blood-donor clinic, will result in the worst medical attention you've ever received.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
An argument this week over the maximum weight capacity of your building's elevator will come to an abrupt end just moments after it began, essentially nullifying any well-thought-out arguments you may have had in the matter.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It's true that they don't quite make them like they used to, but that's largely your fault for continuing to force them to procreate in your dilapidated backyard shed despite the growing risk of embryonic infection.