Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While you've always considered yourself to be the kind of person who puts others first, the women and children aboard a Carnival Cruise ship next week will see things differently.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
A terrible misunderstanding will lead dozens to believe that you'd do anything in your power to prevent no-good slacks from moving into the neighborhood.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After 15 years, four separate marriages, and the adoption of three foster children, your dream of assembling the world's ultimate Family Feud team will finally become a reality.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've always believed fire to be an uncompromising force of nature, but fire will surprise you next week when it respects your wishes to be cremated.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A heated domestic dispute between you and your partner will be needlessly prolonged this week after it repeatedly fails to turn physically violent.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
If there's one thing you can't stand, it's having to unfairly choose a single personal grievance among literally dozens of others, each equally deserving of being vented. Either that or the way some people always talk with their mouths full.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will commit the deadly sin of pride again this week after deciding to work all 12 apostles into your Holy Trinity juggling routine.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Scorpio regrets to inform readers that it has just filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection. All horoscopes will be handled through Hodgman & Associates, LLC until further notice.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You used to think of yourself as your own harshest critic; sadly, it's becoming increasingly clear that you're fucking pathetic at that, too.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will struggle to live down a particularly embarrassing incident this week after you're caught in public with the rest of your small, backwards town.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Frustrations will boil over and lead to unexpected aggression,when, for the third straight night, your 6-year-old son—the rude little bastard—falls asleep right in the middle of your bedtime story.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Cancer researchers will appeal to you desperately for another donation this week, claiming that they are now only $1,345 away from finding a cure.