Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
They all said that you couldn't do it, that it was unethical and immoral, but from borrowed and mismatched parts, you'll nonetheless create a Frankenstein's monster of a dissertation this week.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Weeks after your wife's unexpected passing, crippling guilt over not having been a more caring and loving partner while she was still alive will sadly lead down the road to necrophilia.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The International Criminal Court, in strict accordance with the Fourth Geneva Convention, will find you guilty of committing war misdemeanors against humanity next week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: While Martin Luther King Jr., the man may have died 38 years ago, the values and principles he so bravely stood for have been dead for much, much longer.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
After days of heated and contentious debate, you and the radial-arm-saw-wielding stranger in your basement will finally just agree to disagree.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
What begins as an innocent free-association exercise will ultimately reveal a dark and deep-seated connection you hold between azalea bushes and garden trowels.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be held accountable for the needless deaths of hundreds of Americans just days after composing an irresistibly catchy jingle about the rewards of suicide.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Once again, your abject ignorance coupled with a shortsighted speak-first-think-later attitude will result in the hanging death of another innocent stick man this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will lose hours trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, moments after quickly and easily fitting a round peg into a square hole.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A four-disc Criterion Collection DVD box set of your most painful and agonizing moments in life will be released this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've heard the old expression, "a chain is only as strong as its weakest link" many times before, but this week will mark the first time it's used to describe your crippling genetic condition.