Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There won't be enough Rohypnol in the world after you purchase the unsuspecting blonde three stools down a $10 cocktail this Thursday.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
While studies have long found laughter to be good for one's heart, a new medical report will soon reveal it to be unbelievably bad for one's pancreas.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll struggle to come up with a suitable punishment for your dog after he sheds his mortal coil all over your brand-new couch.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
As busy as things may get, don't forget to set aside a sizeable chunk of time this week to enjoy the complex pleasures in life.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Self-important claims about being your own worst enemy this week will only serve to further inspire those already plotting your demise.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars predict, with a fair amount of facility, that your forthcoming rap album Holla-Caust will enjoy meager sales at best.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Three ethereal spirits will visit from beyond the grave this evening to teach you about the true meaning of skepticism.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Police investigators will once again make the mistake of ruling out boredom as the motive behind your latest series of battery assaults.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
As a citizen of the world, the threat of war with Iran leaves you deeply concerned, but as a video game enthusiast, it's really pretty exciting.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Disappointment will be yours this week, when a collection of science-fiction short stories proves to be padded with conceivable, intelligible tales.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A tall, dark stranger will leave you embarrassed this week after claiming to be a tall, dark acquaintance of yours from college.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Days after discussing your diagnosis and remaining medical options with family members, an incensed oncologist will sue you for breaching doctor-patient confidentiality.