Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You have no sympathy for people who always take the easy way out of difficult situations. What you have for them is empathy.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never properly learned to read.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll finally admit that getting a tattoo of your favorite rock band might have been a mistake. Sadly, it'll take the results of next Thursday's HIV test to bring the realization about.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Repeated, escalating strikes of a hammer against your kneecaps will test not only your body's natural reflexes, but also your ability to figure out that the man in the white coat isn't really a doctor.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While truth can often be found at the heart of good humor, everyone will laugh at your dissertation on "Political Obligation And The Just State" for a completely different reason.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After 30 grueling miles, you'll finally hit a wall next week while driving back home in your car.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your elderly mother will go quietly in her sleep, dying painfully moments later from the lethal combination of urine and a poorly insulated electric blanket.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars think it's time you stopped letting fear control your life, and started letting it control the lives of those around you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Thankfully, you'll already be seated when doctors break the news of your complete paralysis from the waist down.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Look on the bright side: The recent yellowing of your skin might just be a sign of personal maturation.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
While he'll respond to almost every other inquiry, a time traveler from the not-so-distant future will refuse to disclose whether that's your leather jacket he's wearing.