Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Fed up with being exploited and mistreated at work, you'll finally take control of your life this Thursday and hand in your two-year notice of resignation.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
A whirlwind office romance will bloom today between you and that stunning spreadsheet that tracks all funded programs, their revenue sources, and the deductible services they provide.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll receive an important life lesson from Jan-Michael Vincent this week after everyone in town starts calling you the boy who cried Airwolf.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
For whatever reason, lately it feels like your heart just isn't into pumping blood through its arteries and cardiac veins by repeated, rhythmic contractions.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The truth is, even if you were to throw away your complete collection of Hustler magazines, you'd still be left with a lot of issues.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The sight of an elderly man riding a child's merry-go-round in the rain will resonate deeply with you today as a metaphor for absolutely everything.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll be cured of a lifelong phobia this week after realizing that heights are just as scared of you as you are of them.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your incredible reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and taciturn manner will cause you to become known throughout the West as The Man Who Handcuffed Lightning But Was Afraid To Talk About His True Feelings.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Racial tensions will suddenly and fortunately be broken this week by the unexpected arrival of an Asian.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
While a persistent case of writer's block may have driven you right to the edge, it will continue to delay your suicide for months to come.