Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After a month of worry, you'll be mistakenly relieved this week after hearing that all your medical tests came out positive.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your repeated cries for help will be drowned out this week by a 300-pound man, a coarse length of rope, and a metal basin filled with water.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While everyone expresses affection in their own unique way, your approach of communicating it through plainspoken words and genuine sentiment is really starting to freak people out.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Unlike everything else in your life, you will take news this week of your skyrocketing cholesterol levels with a grain of salt.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You've never stood in the way of stem-cell research, and you never will, after next week's car wreck.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While it’s been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you’ll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The innocence and purity of children will teach you a valuable lesson this week about your state's age-of-consent laws.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Although you'll ultimately lose after 30 hard-fought minutes, many will remember you as "the man who brought out the very best in those defibrillators."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
For the fifth straight night, you'll have that recurring sleep in which you crawl into bed around 11 p.m., turn off the lights, and wake up the next morning feeling rested and refreshed.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll fail to appreciate the reunion of caustic pranksters The Jerky Boys during this Thursday's 20-minute impromptu phone call.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Repeated miscarriages, while emotionally devastating, will leave you with an extensive backlog of dozens of beautiful baby names.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Despite its many promotional offers and money-saving bargains, part of you just doesn't want to belong to any Sam's Club that would have you as a member.