Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.