Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Badly hurt and in crippling pain, you will see the last 12 seconds of your life flash before your eyes this week.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
A collection of self-penned portmanteaus, the construction of which you've always thought rather clever, will offend hundreds of biracial individuals this Thursday.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
No matter how much time passes, you'll never be able to bring yourself to forgive those who have called you unforgiving.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You never thought you had it in you, nor that you'd have the courage to follow through even if you did, but you'll totally surprise yourself with next Thursday's abortion.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will see yourself in a whole new light this week while desperately failing to locate a single vein inside that downtown McDonald's bathroom.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A sinking sense of your own mortality will set in this week after you completely fail to recognize a Simpsons rerun on television.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing this week: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're nervous, your palms are sweaty, and your stomach is full of knots, but don't worry: Chances are she's feeling the exact same first-date-rape jitters as you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A freak electrical fire will break out at a nearby hospital this week, expanding the facility's burn ward tenfold.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though you will mean to tell a group of friends about the appetizing sirloin steak you had for lunch, a Freudian slip this week will instead reveal how you tortured those four underage women in an old abandoned shack by the highway.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Check with Pisces in two weeks for a more detailed and accurate prediction of next week's events.