Your Horoscope

You'll be discovered this week by the director of the hit musical Stomp! during a drunken, borderline-psychotic outburst.

You'll get carried away this Thursday after one too many drinks, and by four too many men.

After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.

You and your family will fall victim to a freak 40-car pileup during a short-lived tour of the new Nissan plant.

You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.

You'll be rushed into the operating room this week after troubled doctors decide your cosmetic surgery can't wait any longer.

Remember: Children who are not developmentally disabled, nor born with severe birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, are our future.

If there's one thing you're guilty of in this life, it's committing six counts of third-degree assault with a deadly weapon.

Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they come up with a cure for stupidity.

Following years of wrestling with the spiritual dilemma, you'll learn the hard way this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.

You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.

After everything that's happened to you in the last year, it's amazing how modest you can still be about the spread of cancer in your body.

Your Horoscope

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20