Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You'll be discovered this week by the director of the hit musical Stomp! during a drunken, borderline-psychotic outburst.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You'll get carried away this Thursday after one too many drinks, and by four too many men.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You and your family will fall victim to a freak 40-car pileup during a short-lived tour of the new Nissan plant.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You'll be rushed into the operating room this week after troubled doctors decide your cosmetic surgery can't wait any longer.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Remember: Children who are not developmentally disabled, nor born with severe birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, are our future.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

If there's one thing you're guilty of in this life, it's committing six counts of third-degree assault with a deadly weapon.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they come up with a cure for stupidity.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Following years of wrestling with the spiritual dilemma, you'll learn the hard way this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

After everything that's happened to you in the last year, it's amazing how modest you can still be about the spread of cancer in your body.